From December 18, 2008
Couldn't sleep.. lately its been a common occurance.
Tonight a co-workers' mother's life was celebrated at Pathway. I sat through the service in awe of the family, in how they were truly in awe of Christ and worshipping him... arms high and hearts abandoned.
It was truly a celebration of this lady's life, who by the attendance, it was obvious she reached so many people. She lived selflessly, loved Christ, and made known to her kids that as much as she loves them, our Father in heaven loves them more. She prayed prayers of gratefulness and affirmation during her final moments, rather than of desparation and pleading, and sang the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" during her final moments. What a remarkable woman; whom I never met, but I feel like I knew her a long time when walking out of church tonight. And then the slide show at the end... the pictures of her with a smile that radiated joy while enjoying moments with her family, even in the last few years when her body has been consumed with sickness.
I couldn't help thinking about how I will never know that special bond that family has. Well, I could some day but that day seems a LONG ways away. I will never know that love that Becky gave her children. I will never experience the closeness of a family at a time of greiving if God choses to end Mom's life before mine. Her funeral will not have joyous pictures of the family together. And, I will never have that peace of knowing that Mom would be whole in heaven.
That's the attitude that has come to mind the past few services that I've gone to such as tonight. But these services also help me realize something.
I feel defeated every time I try to share my faith with my mom. Her mentality about things seem to diminish and suffocate any hope. It frustrates me because sometimes I think deep down inside her she is crying for help but she refuses it at the same time. When I try to be a vessel, I end up getting hurt in the end, and sometimes think I'm not the one who God wants to be that light to her. But if I'm not, who is? If my siblings aren't, who is?
I pray for strength, endurance, and motivation to do something about this. I feel like I've been so hardened to the situation. I get upset when I experience things like tonight, but then other times I get the "I don't care" attitude because we don't have a relationship and never really have. But I really do care about her salvation. However, ultimately, I know its a choice that is between her and God.
Megan told me how it was harder tonight because her family was so close, but that she knows she's been blessed and lucky. I know God has blessed me. Through friends. Through family. I have learned how to love and care for others by other people God has placed in my life, and for that I am grateful.
But it all comes down to what has been on my mind for the past 3 months... I just want my mom to be whole in heaven some day, too. If I have to put my feelings on the line... then I'll do it. Now I just have to do it... which is the hard part.
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1 comment:
Janelle:
Your mother came across your blog and shared her hurt with me. She refuses to comment because she doesn't want to cause any problems. But you don't know me from a bar of soap, so I will be one to stand up for her. For you to air your dirty laundry for the whole world to see is beyond belief.
Oh Brother! A real Christian girl. Sounds like your religious upbringing failed to give you a sense of understanding and warmth and forgiveness. You love someone because you love them, no matter what you think their faults may be. That is why God loves all of us.
You can't not love your Mother because she doesn't fit the image you want to have of her. Maybe, just maybe, she never felt love from her Mother, so why not look into it and try to understand where she is coming from. But why do that when you ( and apparently your friends) are so focused on yourself, and so quick to sit in judgement?
Don't worry about your Mom going to heaven because God will see that she is truly a loving person, who just might be wonderful if YOU would spend some time and get to know the real person she is. Maybe you don't know her Janelle, because you spend all your time with your Dad, and she has been on the outside looking in. No matter that she carried you for 9 months and gave you life. Maybe since you are so unforgiving and unhappy you might want to seek some mental counseling for yourself. Its a shame that someone who is a friend to your Mom knows her heart better than you, and how hurt and vulnerable she is, knowing that you are saying all these things for the whole world to see.
Love is unconditional. When you learn that you might just be a happier person.
That's how I truly feel. If you are trying to convey to everyone how much of a Christian you are, then you would stop spreading your personal family problems for the world to see.
It's time those of us who love her stand up for her and let you know that not everyone is falling for your "poor pitiful me" attitude! That is no way for a Christian to act, to convince everyone that your mother is mentally ill and is responsible for your actions. And to tell the world your father prays for her when he in fact was charged with physically abusing her? Seems like someone else could use the counselling, and its not your mother.
I think your comments throughout your blog have truly ruined any chance of reconciliation. She is truly beside herself right now. Your comments are just pushing her further away from you. Sounds like she needed to get away from a bad situation when she moved to illinois. She has always been a wonderful person since I have known her, and we love her here.
Religious fanatics make my blood boil. Don't spout off about how religious you and friends are, then be a complete hypocrit by downing your Mom, and I quote from the 10 commandments " Honor thy Father and thy MOTHER.:
My Mother was a severe manic depressive for years and took her own life, so I know firsthand what mental illness is, and your Mother shows more symptoms of being a mentally abused child, but she is definitely not mentally ill.
I am sure the lady you speak so highly of would never say such things about her mother. So for you and your friends or family who are so quick to judge and say such false statements about a lady who would give her shirt off her back to help her friends - SHAME ON YOU!
Claudia Cooper
1316 E. Williams St.
Danville, Illinois
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