my wish

Random thing happened today... (from May 11th)

This morning I woke up realizing it was Mothers Day and getting a little bummed. The usual days that families usually get together and do things to celebrate each other and what it all means to them. A Sunday to go to church and come home to sit around and watch movies (which isn't a bad thing) while a lot of other people are with their families.

While getting ready this morning, I thought about November 9, 2005 when I drove up to Michigan to meet my nephew for the first time. I wasn't sure why I thought about this... I honestly don't too much. On the way up I popped in my Rascal Flatts CD that I just bought that week. The song "My Wish" came on and I just let the words sink in. I never met this little boy yet but as a new aunt, the words in the song meant a lot.

The ride home that next day after meeting Joshua, I put that song on and listened to it a good 3-4 times on the way home and cried as I sang it outloud (yep, just admitted that). I thought about the joy I felt in holding that little baby and how much I wish for him to dream big and to live out his dreams. This morning that memory came back to me, and I thought about the feelings I felt holding Josh, and was amazed to think how that joy will multiply so much more when I actually hold my son or my daughter for the first time. I can't imagine what the feeling will be like and someday I hope to feel it. Then, since it it Mother's Day, of course I thought about my mom and wondered if she ever felt that way with us, and if she thinks that way about us now. And after she hung up on me today when I called her, it makes me wonder even more...

An hour later at church, the worship band sang that song to honor mothers. Of all the songs that could have been chosen to sing at church they choose a Rascal Flatts song from 2 years ago. Kinda crazy. I was pretty good at holding back the tears first service, but second service when I could sit by myself it was a little bit harder. (I go to both services now because something I do at church)

how ironic and random is that?

is she really gone?

It's been 9 months since Grandma passed away... and I'm still finding times in my life when I'm searching for closure. I thought I got it during the Auction at the homeplace, but there are just random times when I think about it a lot... how I wasn't home for the surgery which was the day I flew out in june, her time in the hospital, her passing on July 18th, or her funeral which was two days before i was to arrive home... and I just get so upset. It doesn't seem like she can be gone when she seemed fine before surgery.

It's 1:00am, and I can't sleep. Lisa's not home. No one is around, and I need to be up in 5 1/2 hours. I'm missing Grandma a lot. Their place is forever gone from my life.. the place where I had so many good memories, even with hardship from my mom. No more driving to Ohio to visit which i didn't do enough, calling her and telling her i loved her which i also didn't do enough, walking back to the creek behind their house... Tonight I have just found myself feeling so many regrets for not coming home from Africa early.

I felt so alone in Africa during this time but so surrounded by love from people who hardly knew me. But now those people who comforted me and prayed over me, (literally, for 2 hours one night while I sat there crying...) are 8,000 miles away.

I remember it clearly... finding out about her passing. The team was eating in the tent where we normally ate supper, and Sammy (the guy who we stayed with) was trying his hardest to make me laugh. (He had already received the news from my sister about Grandma's passing, but we were out doing kids ministry and construction so he asked her to call back during supper time.) Sammy's phone rang and my heart started speeding up as it had been those 2 days. (My sister had told me she may not make it two days earlier and encouraged me to come home.) I remember glancing over at Matt, a team member who I thought would be there for me at least a little bit, and seeing that look that he knew what was happening... and then glancing around seeing everyone stopping what they were doing and looking at me. Charity, Sammy's wife, came over and put her arms around me.

When Sammy couldn't hear the connection well, I knew it was Melanie calling. I immediately started crying, and Sammy wouldn't let me leave the tent. So, as everyone on my team sat there and watched, I talked and cried to my sister. It was embarrassing but I didn't care. I was encouraged not to say anything about it to the natives and was supposed to go on like nothing happened. My team... well... let's just say I wish we had been a little closer. I felt so lost.
Mel called the next evening to tell me that I could write something for the funeral, but had to have it in by 10:00 the next morning, Kenya time.

I stayed up to write this letter while listening to my new friends who lose family members very regularly singing praises to God. After they left (they always left Sammy's early to get back to their home in the slum safely), I moved myself to a bench outside alone... under the Africa night sky with the sounds of the slum in the background, writing this letter.

So while laying here in bed, I thought about the letter I wrote for the funeral. I wanted to find it and read it for the first time since that night. I had to dig through my email but found what I sent to Mel that next morning... the first time I had been in my email all month. Its funny that as I read it now, I'm helping myself by remembering how BIG GOD WAS TO ME DURING THAT TIME. I guess I just wanted to share it.
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To my Family:Please know that I want to be there to mourn with you. Its hard not having a piece of home with me right now. Know that I am with you in my prayers. That's the greatness of God - He's everywhere, even 8,000 miles away. Keep holding on to Christ's love and comfort. That same love and comfort is what is holding me together right now. Know that through every storm in our lives, He never lets us go. This is his promise to us:Psalm 33:20-23We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you.

Grandma, What can i say? Tonight, as my friends whom I have met here are outside singing worship songs in the middle of a place where there's pain all around, I'm sitting here in this room praying that God will give me peace and the words to write this letter.

Reality hasn't hit yet. You can't be gone. I went through my cell phone and came across your number, realizing that I will never be able to call you again. It has been so hard not being able to be there and to understand the timing in all this, but God has me here for a reason. Selfishly, I wanted God to hold you here on earth for only a couple more days. My prayer was that I could be there for this celebration of your life, but God had a bigger plan and only He knew the exact time and hour you were to leave us. Who am I to question Him? I love you grandma and wish I could have been there to visit and pray with you during these scary moments this past month.

The morning you had your surgery I was packing to leave. It was hard.. as I kept getting all these thoughts in my head of the unknown. But God knew. I'm glad I was able to see you at Mike and Heidi's wedding. You looked beautiful there. You seemed so healthy that this whole thing is hard to believe. I'm glad I was able to remember our last time together with you appearing so healthy and happy. That last embrace didn't seem like goodbye to me, but on the way home my hands smelled like you. (It was a good smell... no worries, or as they say here in Africa "Hakuna Matata"). I never wanted to wash the smell away because its the same smell I can associate with my childhood memories of you, as silly as that sounds.

Thank you for loving us enough to put up with us every summer for a couple of weeks. I say "putting up with" for a reason, because I know we had to be a pain at times...I mean, at least the boys were. I always remember being so excited to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa every summer. You always filled our weeks with joy; I remember going to the campground to swim and golf, sliding down the stairs and helping to ruin the fun green shaggy carpet in our pajamas with you joining us in our laughter, being forced by the boys to go through the haunted houses they made in our basement, playing Atari for hours on end, but most importantly are the memories with you and me specifically that I can remember, and I'm sure more will be flowing in my heart in these coming days. When I picture being at your house, I will picture you sitting in your chair and inviting up to be in the warmth of your lap while you read the book "Why Cant I Fly?" or the one you remember most, 101 Dalmations. And every morning waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and looking forward to meeting you in the kitchen for the best toast EVER. I don't care what anyone says, I have seriously not been able to make a better piece of toast than you could. And, I don't think I ever thanked you for being on the phone for a long enough time for Ken to take the scissors to my hair. I enjoyed not having any hair for a year or so. :)

I thank God for these memories and for the gift of a Grandma. I will treasure them in my heart forever.

I believe that you had a faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, and because of that I know that I, along with others in this room who have made that same heart commitment to live their lives for Him, will be able to see you, along with Grandpa, again someday. There will be no pain or sorrow there, and I'm excited for that.

So this isn't goodbye. I will be able to see you again some day. until then, I know that...

When peace like a river attendeth my way,
when Sorrows like sea bellows roll.
Whatever my lot, though as taught me to say,
it is well, it is well, with my soul.

This is the song God has laid on my heart the whole month, and now I know why. And, I know it is well with your soul too. I love you!