a glimpse into my africa journal

from august. 01. 2008
a glimpse into my Africa journal

Ok... I've had this typed out for the past two weeks but never logged into Myspace to post it. When I got back from the Dominican, I had a lot of thinking to do. While on the trip, a couple had to leave only on the 2nd day because her father died. Of course, my feelings and thoughts from last year when my grandma died while i was in Africa all came rushing back to me. I didn't get the timing and irony again, but I know God was teaching me to go to Him first, that since I've been through it I can be there for them, and what it is like for a team to gather and support and pray. I came home and read my Africa journal because it had been exactly a year since Grandma's passing. I've told some of you that I would let you read my thoughts so rather than giving you my journal, here is a glimpse. This is the last I'm writing about this, because this Dominican Trip oddly enough gave me a lot of the closure that I've been searching for. I hate that it had to happen on account of friends goign through the exact same thing, too. :(
Seriously, its just a glimpse... I wrote A LOT!!! Africa was 7 hours ahead.

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July 16th: It's 7:15a.m. and Mel just called. I had a sinking feeling I knew exactly what Sammy was pounding on the door for when I heard his voice. My dreams suddenly switched from one thing to another. I dreamt that Mel called while I was here to tell me something about Grandma, just as I heard a phone call, I was awakened by the pounding on our compound door (that's separate from Sammy's house so I would have never heard his phone ring) and Sammy yelling my name. I climbed out of the bunk bed and found my way to the door and Sammy had his phone up. Because I tried to stay away from contact from home during this month and told Mel to call only if something bad happened to Grandma, my heart sunk and I started crying before I even reached for the phone. Here's the deal. She is not doing well and keeps going in and out. They are meeting Friday to discuss stopping care, machines, medications, which means if I want to say goodbye I must transfer my plane tickets and leave here early. Mel said she would help me do that. I told her I needed time to pray about it. What's the timing in this Lord? Help me to know what to do? Why can't they wait a little longer? She has made it this long from having her surgery the day we flew out... but am I being selfish in all this? Will she even be coherant enough to know I'm even there if I leave early? All these questions! She was so worried about me coming here. What would she want me to do? Where is her heart with you God? She was so scared going into this surgery. My heart aches right now. I went out to the tent to talk to Sammy. He prayed over me and the situation. I know I must trust God and acknowledge Him in this situation. There is a reason this happened now. I know God works for the good of those who love him. I'm leaning on God, especially because I'm not sure if I'll get the support needed from my team here. I have a big decision to make which could affect my life in the near future upon my return home. I have to trust God ocmpletely. As Sammy said, present your worries to God but don't let your worries move you. I can't let the idea of a possible guilt trip from Mom cloud my judgement.

I don't want to leave here early. I already get upset at the idea of leaving. I said goodbye to Grandma at the wedding two days before we left for Africa, but this is far more extreme. She's SUFFERING. She went through a lot. And the thing that hurts the most is that she appeared just fine at the wedding. She could pass away while I'm flying 16 hours alone in the air before I even get there.

I need to put my trust in God. All of it. I know he knew this would happen today while i'm 8,000 miles away from home. When I don't have comfort of those here who are my only piece of home, I know God is there and people back home are praying. I wish I was home right now because I need my friends and siblings. I'm feeling so frustrated right now because the one person who was a good friend before the trip and is my only piece of home is not even talking to me.
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Father, you see all my tears I've cried this morning. I know you are hurting with me. Even though I can't trace your hand in all this, I want to trust your heart. I want to lean on you for comfort. If I can't get a hug from friends, I know I'm seeking refuge in the shadow of your wings. Guide me in the way you want me to go. I don't want to lean on my own understanding but to acknowldge your movement in this so you can direct my paths. I love you Lord. You will be glorified in this.
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Lord I give you my heart, I give you my SoulI live for You alone, Every breath that I take,Every moment I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me
Father, have your way in me! You sent me here not to be sent home early. I trust that you can pull Grandma through this until I get home if it is your will. My ministry here can't end shortly. Lord, work in this situation here and at home. Whatever happens may I still honor, praise, worship, and glorify you. May it still be well with my soul. I trust you. I believe in you. You are my rock. Always here in times of trouble. I must hold on tight to that promise.
(as you can tell, the Psalms were my bedrock during this time)
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7/16 evening
I called Mel tonight and told her I am not coming home early. She jus said that Grandma may not make it until Friday as her kidneys are failing and her blood pressure is beyond low. I called Anchor Room to tell them and Natalie, tried Lisa, and Tammy also.
During the prayer meeting with all my Kenya friends and only one team member there, Sammy mentioned how one of our sisters in Christ had a rough day (after telling me earlier today to not tell anyone about my situation). The whole group prayed and sang for my situation for about an hour, but it only seemed like 10-15 minutes. In the US, so many people would be weirded out and bored about this, but I was totally broken the whole time while hugging Patricia and grasping onto Boblin's hand. This is why I'm dealing with this year. I have the support of these people who hardly know me, but are praying powerful prayers 8,000 miles away from grandma's bedside. These people know what death is like all too well. They know the pain that is felt. They bury their loved ones every day.
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7/17Mel just called again. As I was sitting out here writing, Sammy came out with his phone. My heart skipped beats. It's a little after 7 here meaning after midnight in Ohio, and Mel, Ken, Rachael, and Jeff are all at the hospital. They have taken her off all medications. She is only on the ventilator. The funeral, if she lasts as long as the doctors say, would be Friday or Saturday. Mel said she thinks I would regret not being there, but I can't carry that regret. I immediately told Mel that I would regret leaving here, because even if it were only a few days, God can and will do amazing things in those days. He sent me here KNOWING That this would happen, so I must TRUST in his love and comfort. I woke up super early this morning not able to get to sleep so I went out in the living area and prayed for Grandma. no I know why. They were probably wondering calling me. I really need team time. Prayer with them.
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When peace like a river Attendeth my way, when Sorrows like sea bellows roll Whatever my lot though has taught me to say, Praise the Lord, It is Well with my SoulI'm getting this BAD feeling right now. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm a big homesick right now. I just want to be with the sibs. I asked the team to come together to pray this morning, but it got awkward for some reason. Sammy requested again that I do not mention anything to anyone about what is going on at home. Hot sure why, because whoever was at the prayer meeting last night knows about it. I'm grasping onto these pictures of friends and verses that the girls gave me before I left. It's my only connection to home right now. God has me where He wants me for a reason, and I hope to find what that is. I came in to pray tonight about everything but it was so weird. I started praying then completely forgot what to pray about. Then I even tried sitting up so my mind wasn't wandering like it usually does when I pray but I couldn't put a prayer into words. It was like God saying "Child, I love you, Trust me. It's in my hands."
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7/18 WednesdayRight now we are doing nothing and I hate it. I feel bad. I am not going home early so I feel like I should be out there making a difference, but I'm so exhausted, kind of letting my frustrations show too much. I need rest. I have a peace about Grandma although when Sammy's phone rings my heart speeds up. I only cried once about it today. Patricia sat down and started rubbing my back and that did it. Just needed support.
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7/19 ThursdayIt has been two days since Mel called while she was at the hospital. I thought for sure she would call by now. God are you answering my prayers, that I would make it home in time? I prayed for clarity to know I was making the right decision in not going home, then a verse that I had in my head earlier this month came to mind. I don't think it was a mistake I read this earlier too. (Luke 9:59-62) Is that clarity enough? I trust God. This will work out the way He had planned from the beginning.
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Grandma passed away last night, Wednesday, at 8:30p.m. (3:30am this morning) Mel called tonight at 8:30 here. We were laughing in the tent with Sammy and Charity when Sammy's phone rang. I knew right away when he acted like he couldn't hear, then it clicked why Sammy was trying extra hard to make me laugh while eating a complete Tilapia head. He handed the phone out to me and I just laid back my head and started shaking. I didn't want to be out there. Matt, Whitney, Charity were all out there. I couldn't hear Mel very well, only that she passed away and the time she did. It must have been so scary for her. I lost connection with Mel and had to sit out in the tent since they wouldn't let me leave for 15 minutes until she called back. Meanwhile I'm sobbing in Charity's embrace, sitting there and crying and everyone still in the tent. Sammy wouldn't let anyone leave. All the YCT people were outside having a good time with no clue about what was happening. Whitney and Jess came over to rub my back. I never felt so embarrassed yet not caring really. I'm at my lowest piont unable to think, stand. Team members just apologizing for my loss. On the phone in the corner of the tent with everyone looking at me, now getting more information as Mel called again. Grandma was taken off the ventilator on Tuesday afternoon at 1:00. This would have been 8:00 Tuesday night, right about the time I came in to pray and not know what to pray about, feeling that peace from God. She lasted until Wednesday at 8:30. Mel said each of them were able to say goodbye. She was alert enough to hear them. She would smile and nod as they thanked her for having us over in the summers. They said goodbye for me too. Tehy said I wanted to be there but am doing good work here. That i LOVED HER. Mel said she smiled and tears came down her face as she said goodbye. :(What si going to happen now? To the home. I want to be there. See it again. Help go through stuff. Be with my family. Did I make the right decision? I want these doubts taken away! Mom is being well, herself about this. She originally said I shouldn't come home and now she's asking Mel why I wouldn't come home. I don't get it. I don't get the timing in all this. Why couldn't get have waited for hte surgery? And why, God, did she hold out all month only to pass away 6 days before I get back home? I'm missing the funeral. Where will my closure be? All these questions Lord. Fill my heart with an understanding and peace. Teach me amazing things from this. My heart aches. The plane ride will be miserable. Just the waiting. I need STRENGTH. I want to be around friends, family. I don't think its completely hit me yet because I'm here. I keep Deut. 31:8 in my mind, and can't get the song "It is well with my soul" out of my head.
---------------------------------------I'm so week right now. But I love the hearts of the YCT people. I love their genuine love and care. At the YCT meeting I saw this with how Boblin reached over and took a firm hold of my arm to keep me from falling. When Whitney left my side, Patrick soon came up to support me and keep me from falling too. I will miss these guys! I told Charity through the YCT members, their home was the next best place here on earth next to home that I could have been to grieve Grandma's passing.. These people are real.
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7/20 Friday
It has to be about midnight. I've been sitting outside listening to some worship music over the slum. I love this stuff. They worship with all their hearts. Mel called tonight and said I can write a letter for them to read at the funeral, so that's what I came out here to do. If its almost midnight here, that means her viewing is happening right now, and I'll miss the funeral by only 3 days. I pray there is no tension and that everything goes smoothly. Maybe this is why I'm not there for this, because I know there is going to be a great deal of tension at this funeral with my family. Now I must write this letter and email it out before 10:00am tomorrow. God give me strength. Give me words to say that may also reach the hearts of my family members. Keep me strong. My strength comes from you.
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7/21...Grandma's funeral was today, during the exact time we gathered in the slum for a Bible study. They prayed for me tonight to close the study. I shared Psalm 18 with the group as they asked for us to share how God has revealed himself through a tough situation this past week. I know Tosh requested this format for me, as they normally don't do this format. Frank was sitting by me and pointed out Psalm 121. He then shared it and read it out loud. It's an awesome Psalm and perfect to hear.
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7/23
Tonight, our last night here, and I was able to experience something that was AMAZING. Saida and Jackie's [the sisters i've been praying with throughout the month] kids were waiting for me as we walked out of the YCT building in the slum. It was already dark, and we normally try to leave before dark for safety reasons. The kids requested that I come down to their home, because their mom's wanted to say goodbye. So I went. I walked in under candlelight, and there, for the first time all month, I met Jackie's husband. This guy who has been sleeping around on her, beating her, and anything and everything else. This guy who I've prayed with Jackie and Saida about all month. Here he was. I was able to come together with the family and pray, circled together, conencted hands, with him there. He asked for prayer. I felt God there! I was changed. I pray for this guy that he truly LOVES his family. What an incredible way to end this trip. Maybe this is why I stayed instead of going home early? I then went to meet their step-mom who immediately wished me safe travels and apologized for the passing of Grandma. I was touched. I can never forget this evening.
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7/25
I'm home. Well, at Mel's. I need to nap, but first I decided to look at the funeral stuff Mel gave me. The bulletin had several verses on it. One being Psalm 27:4-7 and 13-14. Verses 7-8 are verses that were in my head the whole trip!!! AND... Psalm 121 was read at her funeral. Look back to 7/21 from the Bible study in Kenya when Frank read that. I know that Bible Study was exactly the same time as Grandma's funeral. Wow.... amazing.