I have big plans for this summer!!!
It's absolutely crazy and I kept telling God that I didn't think I could do it, nor did I really want to... but, its happening anyway. It's something completely out of my comfort zone... I know I will be completely stretched. But what it came down to and what I kept hearing is this.... "WHY NOT?"
Please pray as I prepare, and that the little details fall into place. I'll share more later
Saturday, January 24, 2009
whole in heaven
From December 18, 2008
Couldn't sleep.. lately its been a common occurance.
Tonight a co-workers' mother's life was celebrated at Pathway. I sat through the service in awe of the family, in how they were truly in awe of Christ and worshipping him... arms high and hearts abandoned.
It was truly a celebration of this lady's life, who by the attendance, it was obvious she reached so many people. She lived selflessly, loved Christ, and made known to her kids that as much as she loves them, our Father in heaven loves them more. She prayed prayers of gratefulness and affirmation during her final moments, rather than of desparation and pleading, and sang the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" during her final moments. What a remarkable woman; whom I never met, but I feel like I knew her a long time when walking out of church tonight. And then the slide show at the end... the pictures of her with a smile that radiated joy while enjoying moments with her family, even in the last few years when her body has been consumed with sickness.
I couldn't help thinking about how I will never know that special bond that family has. Well, I could some day but that day seems a LONG ways away. I will never know that love that Becky gave her children. I will never experience the closeness of a family at a time of greiving if God choses to end Mom's life before mine. Her funeral will not have joyous pictures of the family together. And, I will never have that peace of knowing that Mom would be whole in heaven.
That's the attitude that has come to mind the past few services that I've gone to such as tonight. But these services also help me realize something.
I feel defeated every time I try to share my faith with my mom. Her mentality about things seem to diminish and suffocate any hope. It frustrates me because sometimes I think deep down inside her she is crying for help but she refuses it at the same time. When I try to be a vessel, I end up getting hurt in the end, and sometimes think I'm not the one who God wants to be that light to her. But if I'm not, who is? If my siblings aren't, who is?
I pray for strength, endurance, and motivation to do something about this. I feel like I've been so hardened to the situation. I get upset when I experience things like tonight, but then other times I get the "I don't care" attitude because we don't have a relationship and never really have. But I really do care about her salvation. However, ultimately, I know its a choice that is between her and God.
Megan told me how it was harder tonight because her family was so close, but that she knows she's been blessed and lucky. I know God has blessed me. Through friends. Through family. I have learned how to love and care for others by other people God has placed in my life, and for that I am grateful.
But it all comes down to what has been on my mind for the past 3 months... I just want my mom to be whole in heaven some day, too. If I have to put my feelings on the line... then I'll do it. Now I just have to do it... which is the hard part.
Couldn't sleep.. lately its been a common occurance.
Tonight a co-workers' mother's life was celebrated at Pathway. I sat through the service in awe of the family, in how they were truly in awe of Christ and worshipping him... arms high and hearts abandoned.
It was truly a celebration of this lady's life, who by the attendance, it was obvious she reached so many people. She lived selflessly, loved Christ, and made known to her kids that as much as she loves them, our Father in heaven loves them more. She prayed prayers of gratefulness and affirmation during her final moments, rather than of desparation and pleading, and sang the song "Great is Thy Faithfulness" during her final moments. What a remarkable woman; whom I never met, but I feel like I knew her a long time when walking out of church tonight. And then the slide show at the end... the pictures of her with a smile that radiated joy while enjoying moments with her family, even in the last few years when her body has been consumed with sickness.
I couldn't help thinking about how I will never know that special bond that family has. Well, I could some day but that day seems a LONG ways away. I will never know that love that Becky gave her children. I will never experience the closeness of a family at a time of greiving if God choses to end Mom's life before mine. Her funeral will not have joyous pictures of the family together. And, I will never have that peace of knowing that Mom would be whole in heaven.
That's the attitude that has come to mind the past few services that I've gone to such as tonight. But these services also help me realize something.
I feel defeated every time I try to share my faith with my mom. Her mentality about things seem to diminish and suffocate any hope. It frustrates me because sometimes I think deep down inside her she is crying for help but she refuses it at the same time. When I try to be a vessel, I end up getting hurt in the end, and sometimes think I'm not the one who God wants to be that light to her. But if I'm not, who is? If my siblings aren't, who is?
I pray for strength, endurance, and motivation to do something about this. I feel like I've been so hardened to the situation. I get upset when I experience things like tonight, but then other times I get the "I don't care" attitude because we don't have a relationship and never really have. But I really do care about her salvation. However, ultimately, I know its a choice that is between her and God.
Megan told me how it was harder tonight because her family was so close, but that she knows she's been blessed and lucky. I know God has blessed me. Through friends. Through family. I have learned how to love and care for others by other people God has placed in my life, and for that I am grateful.
But it all comes down to what has been on my mind for the past 3 months... I just want my mom to be whole in heaven some day, too. If I have to put my feelings on the line... then I'll do it. Now I just have to do it... which is the hard part.
Grandpa
This is an article in the hometown paper about my Grandpa. It was good to read his comments on the questions he was asked, as he doesn't talk much.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Lehman's life continues to be woven with lots of work
By Jim Langham
Lifelong resident Willis Lehman continued to do the same thing on his 95th birthday on Thursday that he has done the rest of his life—get up at 6:15 a.m. and prepared to go to work.
Lehman, a resident at Swiss Village, spends six days a week cutting jeans, sewing them together, and weaving them into carpets, placemats, and mug mats.
That's his primary job. His backup work involves working with ceramics. He cleans ceramics as they come out of the kiln, cleans them up, and paints them. That only happens on Wednesday.
In his recreation time on Friday morning, Lehman hits the home's pool area to poke the pool balls into the side pockets. That is perhaps his latest passion, one that he didn't take up until his wife, Maggie (Wulliman), passed several years ago.
"He really hit the ground running when they (Willis and Maggie) moved here in 1990," said Willis' son, Orlyn Lehman. "He's always doing something. I don't think that he ever would have imagined that he would take up pool when he was close to 90-years-old."
Lehman is currently Swiss Village's longest living resident in the same apartment.He credits his passion for weaving to Barb Yoder and Sharon Allspaw, who first introduced the idea of weaving.. 
"At first when I looked at it, I didn't know if I wanted to do it," observed Lehman. "But when I started, I realized that there wasn't much to it. There wasn't much to learn."That was over 1,100 rugs and hundreds of place mats and mug mats ago. These days, Lehman can be found at his place of work six days a week. His work is sold in a Swiss Village shop. In addition, he takes custom-made orders from customers in the community.
"You start up with jeans; you cut them up into pieces," explained Lehman. "You tear them into strips and then you have to sew them together. The different colors of denim in the jeans causes variations in the color of the carpets.
"When you're finished, you tie the strips at the end into knots, and that's all there is to it," added Lehman.Lehman was born to William and Caroline Lehman on Jan. 31, 1913. He was raised on the old home place, located on the south side of the road, two miles east of Berne on Indiana 218.
He farmed his entire life until he moved to Swiss Village."I started milking as soon as I could make it up to the cow," mused Lehman.
He initially attended the Hirschy School (one-room) and eventually Berne High School. During his community service with the Mennonite Church, he worked on the state hospital farm near Norristown, PA.
His greatest joy at the First Mennonite Church was assisting with outreach projects such as the church's meat canning project. He also enjoyed activity with the church's men's fellowship group, as well as other "helping projects.
"When asked the secret of his longevity and good health, Lehman replied, "there are not secrets, the Lord gave me a strong heart and a good clean mind."I just enjoy doing this (weaving," continued Lehman. "It's okay; it's a lot of fun. I feel good when people tell me how much they enjoy the rugs. The Lord has really been good to my family and me.
"When I think of it, I realize that I'm getting closer to 100," said Lehman. "Sometimes I wonder how close I'm going to get. The Lord has been good to my family and me. I've tried to be faithful, read the Bible, and pray."
posted by Clint Anderson @ 10:44 AM
I always know where to find Grandpa when I go visit. :)
something to think about
I CHOOSE JOY…
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings,created by God. I will refuse to see any problem asanything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE…
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'llinvite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a momentto pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance.I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings,created by God. I will refuse to see any problem asanything less than an opportunity to see God.
I CHOOSE PATIENCE…
I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'llinvite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a momentto pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.
are we missing the point?
From an old myspace blog:
I don't think it was a mistake that I experienced this in Africa...
We were at a church service there, in the middle of the slum, where there are thousands and thousands of people going days without food. They had a blanket covering a piece of equipment up front. During the beginning of the service, they uncovered it with a big announcement that "our offering money helped us to buy a new and better keyboard and soundboard". This keyboard had different effects to it and background noises. They were all so happy.
That money was used to buy things for the church to use to "have better worship services" when there were starving children in the one mile radius around them.
What has America done? What are churches in America doing? We have sadly gone there and shown them the America way. We have shown them our Westernized way of doing things.
Churches are running themselves as businesses, not ministries. Unfortunately, the ripple effect is hitting other places in the community as well that could use the support of churches (I think you know what I'm talking about.) Its all about spending mega bucks on your kids ministry so you churches can get the most people in, so that in turn, more offering money will come in, so then they can use that money to buy things like better keyboards sound boards. Its a repeated cycle that never ends. Local and global missions are pushed to the side.
I was at church not too long after I returned from Africa and there was an insert in our bulletin for equipment needed... along with the prices of each item. I could not see any of those items as necessities for a church to have. A $17,000 digital sound mixer? $12,000 for screens in the sanctuary when we already have one? A leaf blower? Seriously?? Are we really that lazy. I will go rake leaves for free if it means sending that money somewhere that needs it.
Are we, as a church, the body... are we missing the point??
I don't think it was a mistake that I experienced this in Africa...
We were at a church service there, in the middle of the slum, where there are thousands and thousands of people going days without food. They had a blanket covering a piece of equipment up front. During the beginning of the service, they uncovered it with a big announcement that "our offering money helped us to buy a new and better keyboard and soundboard". This keyboard had different effects to it and background noises. They were all so happy.
That money was used to buy things for the church to use to "have better worship services" when there were starving children in the one mile radius around them.
What has America done? What are churches in America doing? We have sadly gone there and shown them the America way. We have shown them our Westernized way of doing things.
Churches are running themselves as businesses, not ministries. Unfortunately, the ripple effect is hitting other places in the community as well that could use the support of churches (I think you know what I'm talking about.) Its all about spending mega bucks on your kids ministry so you churches can get the most people in, so that in turn, more offering money will come in, so then they can use that money to buy things like better keyboards sound boards. Its a repeated cycle that never ends. Local and global missions are pushed to the side.
I was at church not too long after I returned from Africa and there was an insert in our bulletin for equipment needed... along with the prices of each item. I could not see any of those items as necessities for a church to have. A $17,000 digital sound mixer? $12,000 for screens in the sanctuary when we already have one? A leaf blower? Seriously?? Are we really that lazy. I will go rake leaves for free if it means sending that money somewhere that needs it.
Are we, as a church, the body... are we missing the point??
Monday, September 8, 2008
a glimpse into my africa journal
from august. 01. 2008
a glimpse into my Africa journal
Ok... I've had this typed out for the past two weeks but never logged into Myspace to post it. When I got back from the Dominican, I had a lot of thinking to do. While on the trip, a couple had to leave only on the 2nd day because her father died. Of course, my feelings and thoughts from last year when my grandma died while i was in Africa all came rushing back to me. I didn't get the timing and irony again, but I know God was teaching me to go to Him first, that since I've been through it I can be there for them, and what it is like for a team to gather and support and pray. I came home and read my Africa journal because it had been exactly a year since Grandma's passing. I've told some of you that I would let you read my thoughts so rather than giving you my journal, here is a glimpse. This is the last I'm writing about this, because this Dominican Trip oddly enough gave me a lot of the closure that I've been searching for. I hate that it had to happen on account of friends goign through the exact same thing, too. :(
Seriously, its just a glimpse... I wrote A LOT!!! Africa was 7 hours ahead.
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July 16th: It's 7:15a.m. and Mel just called. I had a sinking feeling I knew exactly what Sammy was pounding on the door for when I heard his voice. My dreams suddenly switched from one thing to another. I dreamt that Mel called while I was here to tell me something about Grandma, just as I heard a phone call, I was awakened by the pounding on our compound door (that's separate from Sammy's house so I would have never heard his phone ring) and Sammy yelling my name. I climbed out of the bunk bed and found my way to the door and Sammy had his phone up. Because I tried to stay away from contact from home during this month and told Mel to call only if something bad happened to Grandma, my heart sunk and I started crying before I even reached for the phone. Here's the deal. She is not doing well and keeps going in and out. They are meeting Friday to discuss stopping care, machines, medications, which means if I want to say goodbye I must transfer my plane tickets and leave here early. Mel said she would help me do that. I told her I needed time to pray about it. What's the timing in this Lord? Help me to know what to do? Why can't they wait a little longer? She has made it this long from having her surgery the day we flew out... but am I being selfish in all this? Will she even be coherant enough to know I'm even there if I leave early? All these questions! She was so worried about me coming here. What would she want me to do? Where is her heart with you God? She was so scared going into this surgery. My heart aches right now. I went out to the tent to talk to Sammy. He prayed over me and the situation. I know I must trust God and acknowledge Him in this situation. There is a reason this happened now. I know God works for the good of those who love him. I'm leaning on God, especially because I'm not sure if I'll get the support needed from my team here. I have a big decision to make which could affect my life in the near future upon my return home. I have to trust God ocmpletely. As Sammy said, present your worries to God but don't let your worries move you. I can't let the idea of a possible guilt trip from Mom cloud my judgement.
I don't want to leave here early. I already get upset at the idea of leaving. I said goodbye to Grandma at the wedding two days before we left for Africa, but this is far more extreme. She's SUFFERING. She went through a lot. And the thing that hurts the most is that she appeared just fine at the wedding. She could pass away while I'm flying 16 hours alone in the air before I even get there.
I need to put my trust in God. All of it. I know he knew this would happen today while i'm 8,000 miles away from home. When I don't have comfort of those here who are my only piece of home, I know God is there and people back home are praying. I wish I was home right now because I need my friends and siblings. I'm feeling so frustrated right now because the one person who was a good friend before the trip and is my only piece of home is not even talking to me.
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Father, you see all my tears I've cried this morning. I know you are hurting with me. Even though I can't trace your hand in all this, I want to trust your heart. I want to lean on you for comfort. If I can't get a hug from friends, I know I'm seeking refuge in the shadow of your wings. Guide me in the way you want me to go. I don't want to lean on my own understanding but to acknowldge your movement in this so you can direct my paths. I love you Lord. You will be glorified in this.
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Lord I give you my heart, I give you my SoulI live for You alone, Every breath that I take,Every moment I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me
Father, have your way in me! You sent me here not to be sent home early. I trust that you can pull Grandma through this until I get home if it is your will. My ministry here can't end shortly. Lord, work in this situation here and at home. Whatever happens may I still honor, praise, worship, and glorify you. May it still be well with my soul. I trust you. I believe in you. You are my rock. Always here in times of trouble. I must hold on tight to that promise.
(as you can tell, the Psalms were my bedrock during this time)
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7/16 evening
I called Mel tonight and told her I am not coming home early. She jus said that Grandma may not make it until Friday as her kidneys are failing and her blood pressure is beyond low. I called Anchor Room to tell them and Natalie, tried Lisa, and Tammy also.
During the prayer meeting with all my Kenya friends and only one team member there, Sammy mentioned how one of our sisters in Christ had a rough day (after telling me earlier today to not tell anyone about my situation). The whole group prayed and sang for my situation for about an hour, but it only seemed like 10-15 minutes. In the US, so many people would be weirded out and bored about this, but I was totally broken the whole time while hugging Patricia and grasping onto Boblin's hand. This is why I'm dealing with this year. I have the support of these people who hardly know me, but are praying powerful prayers 8,000 miles away from grandma's bedside. These people know what death is like all too well. They know the pain that is felt. They bury their loved ones every day.
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7/17Mel just called again. As I was sitting out here writing, Sammy came out with his phone. My heart skipped beats. It's a little after 7 here meaning after midnight in Ohio, and Mel, Ken, Rachael, and Jeff are all at the hospital. They have taken her off all medications. She is only on the ventilator. The funeral, if she lasts as long as the doctors say, would be Friday or Saturday. Mel said she thinks I would regret not being there, but I can't carry that regret. I immediately told Mel that I would regret leaving here, because even if it were only a few days, God can and will do amazing things in those days. He sent me here KNOWING That this would happen, so I must TRUST in his love and comfort. I woke up super early this morning not able to get to sleep so I went out in the living area and prayed for Grandma. no I know why. They were probably wondering calling me. I really need team time. Prayer with them.
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When peace like a river Attendeth my way, when Sorrows like sea bellows roll Whatever my lot though has taught me to say, Praise the Lord, It is Well with my SoulI'm getting this BAD feeling right now. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm a big homesick right now. I just want to be with the sibs. I asked the team to come together to pray this morning, but it got awkward for some reason. Sammy requested again that I do not mention anything to anyone about what is going on at home. Hot sure why, because whoever was at the prayer meeting last night knows about it. I'm grasping onto these pictures of friends and verses that the girls gave me before I left. It's my only connection to home right now. God has me where He wants me for a reason, and I hope to find what that is. I came in to pray tonight about everything but it was so weird. I started praying then completely forgot what to pray about. Then I even tried sitting up so my mind wasn't wandering like it usually does when I pray but I couldn't put a prayer into words. It was like God saying "Child, I love you, Trust me. It's in my hands."
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7/18 WednesdayRight now we are doing nothing and I hate it. I feel bad. I am not going home early so I feel like I should be out there making a difference, but I'm so exhausted, kind of letting my frustrations show too much. I need rest. I have a peace about Grandma although when Sammy's phone rings my heart speeds up. I only cried once about it today. Patricia sat down and started rubbing my back and that did it. Just needed support.
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7/19 ThursdayIt has been two days since Mel called while she was at the hospital. I thought for sure she would call by now. God are you answering my prayers, that I would make it home in time? I prayed for clarity to know I was making the right decision in not going home, then a verse that I had in my head earlier this month came to mind. I don't think it was a mistake I read this earlier too. (Luke 9:59-62) Is that clarity enough? I trust God. This will work out the way He had planned from the beginning.
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Grandma passed away last night, Wednesday, at 8:30p.m. (3:30am this morning) Mel called tonight at 8:30 here. We were laughing in the tent with Sammy and Charity when Sammy's phone rang. I knew right away when he acted like he couldn't hear, then it clicked why Sammy was trying extra hard to make me laugh while eating a complete Tilapia head. He handed the phone out to me and I just laid back my head and started shaking. I didn't want to be out there. Matt, Whitney, Charity were all out there. I couldn't hear Mel very well, only that she passed away and the time she did. It must have been so scary for her. I lost connection with Mel and had to sit out in the tent since they wouldn't let me leave for 15 minutes until she called back. Meanwhile I'm sobbing in Charity's embrace, sitting there and crying and everyone still in the tent. Sammy wouldn't let anyone leave. All the YCT people were outside having a good time with no clue about what was happening. Whitney and Jess came over to rub my back. I never felt so embarrassed yet not caring really. I'm at my lowest piont unable to think, stand. Team members just apologizing for my loss. On the phone in the corner of the tent with everyone looking at me, now getting more information as Mel called again. Grandma was taken off the ventilator on Tuesday afternoon at 1:00. This would have been 8:00 Tuesday night, right about the time I came in to pray and not know what to pray about, feeling that peace from God. She lasted until Wednesday at 8:30. Mel said each of them were able to say goodbye. She was alert enough to hear them. She would smile and nod as they thanked her for having us over in the summers. They said goodbye for me too. Tehy said I wanted to be there but am doing good work here. That i LOVED HER. Mel said she smiled and tears came down her face as she said goodbye. :(What si going to happen now? To the home. I want to be there. See it again. Help go through stuff. Be with my family. Did I make the right decision? I want these doubts taken away! Mom is being well, herself about this. She originally said I shouldn't come home and now she's asking Mel why I wouldn't come home. I don't get it. I don't get the timing in all this. Why couldn't get have waited for hte surgery? And why, God, did she hold out all month only to pass away 6 days before I get back home? I'm missing the funeral. Where will my closure be? All these questions Lord. Fill my heart with an understanding and peace. Teach me amazing things from this. My heart aches. The plane ride will be miserable. Just the waiting. I need STRENGTH. I want to be around friends, family. I don't think its completely hit me yet because I'm here. I keep Deut. 31:8 in my mind, and can't get the song "It is well with my soul" out of my head.
---------------------------------------I'm so week right now. But I love the hearts of the YCT people. I love their genuine love and care. At the YCT meeting I saw this with how Boblin reached over and took a firm hold of my arm to keep me from falling. When Whitney left my side, Patrick soon came up to support me and keep me from falling too. I will miss these guys! I told Charity through the YCT members, their home was the next best place here on earth next to home that I could have been to grieve Grandma's passing.. These people are real.
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7/20 Friday
It has to be about midnight. I've been sitting outside listening to some worship music over the slum. I love this stuff. They worship with all their hearts. Mel called tonight and said I can write a letter for them to read at the funeral, so that's what I came out here to do. If its almost midnight here, that means her viewing is happening right now, and I'll miss the funeral by only 3 days. I pray there is no tension and that everything goes smoothly. Maybe this is why I'm not there for this, because I know there is going to be a great deal of tension at this funeral with my family. Now I must write this letter and email it out before 10:00am tomorrow. God give me strength. Give me words to say that may also reach the hearts of my family members. Keep me strong. My strength comes from you.
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7/21...Grandma's funeral was today, during the exact time we gathered in the slum for a Bible study. They prayed for me tonight to close the study. I shared Psalm 18 with the group as they asked for us to share how God has revealed himself through a tough situation this past week. I know Tosh requested this format for me, as they normally don't do this format. Frank was sitting by me and pointed out Psalm 121. He then shared it and read it out loud. It's an awesome Psalm and perfect to hear.
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7/23
Tonight, our last night here, and I was able to experience something that was AMAZING. Saida and Jackie's [the sisters i've been praying with throughout the month] kids were waiting for me as we walked out of the YCT building in the slum. It was already dark, and we normally try to leave before dark for safety reasons. The kids requested that I come down to their home, because their mom's wanted to say goodbye. So I went. I walked in under candlelight, and there, for the first time all month, I met Jackie's husband. This guy who has been sleeping around on her, beating her, and anything and everything else. This guy who I've prayed with Jackie and Saida about all month. Here he was. I was able to come together with the family and pray, circled together, conencted hands, with him there. He asked for prayer. I felt God there! I was changed. I pray for this guy that he truly LOVES his family. What an incredible way to end this trip. Maybe this is why I stayed instead of going home early? I then went to meet their step-mom who immediately wished me safe travels and apologized for the passing of Grandma. I was touched. I can never forget this evening.
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7/25
I'm home. Well, at Mel's. I need to nap, but first I decided to look at the funeral stuff Mel gave me. The bulletin had several verses on it. One being Psalm 27:4-7 and 13-14. Verses 7-8 are verses that were in my head the whole trip!!! AND... Psalm 121 was read at her funeral. Look back to 7/21 from the Bible study in Kenya when Frank read that. I know that Bible Study was exactly the same time as Grandma's funeral. Wow.... amazing.
a glimpse into my Africa journal
Ok... I've had this typed out for the past two weeks but never logged into Myspace to post it. When I got back from the Dominican, I had a lot of thinking to do. While on the trip, a couple had to leave only on the 2nd day because her father died. Of course, my feelings and thoughts from last year when my grandma died while i was in Africa all came rushing back to me. I didn't get the timing and irony again, but I know God was teaching me to go to Him first, that since I've been through it I can be there for them, and what it is like for a team to gather and support and pray. I came home and read my Africa journal because it had been exactly a year since Grandma's passing. I've told some of you that I would let you read my thoughts so rather than giving you my journal, here is a glimpse. This is the last I'm writing about this, because this Dominican Trip oddly enough gave me a lot of the closure that I've been searching for. I hate that it had to happen on account of friends goign through the exact same thing, too. :(
Seriously, its just a glimpse... I wrote A LOT!!! Africa was 7 hours ahead.
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July 16th: It's 7:15a.m. and Mel just called. I had a sinking feeling I knew exactly what Sammy was pounding on the door for when I heard his voice. My dreams suddenly switched from one thing to another. I dreamt that Mel called while I was here to tell me something about Grandma, just as I heard a phone call, I was awakened by the pounding on our compound door (that's separate from Sammy's house so I would have never heard his phone ring) and Sammy yelling my name. I climbed out of the bunk bed and found my way to the door and Sammy had his phone up. Because I tried to stay away from contact from home during this month and told Mel to call only if something bad happened to Grandma, my heart sunk and I started crying before I even reached for the phone. Here's the deal. She is not doing well and keeps going in and out. They are meeting Friday to discuss stopping care, machines, medications, which means if I want to say goodbye I must transfer my plane tickets and leave here early. Mel said she would help me do that. I told her I needed time to pray about it. What's the timing in this Lord? Help me to know what to do? Why can't they wait a little longer? She has made it this long from having her surgery the day we flew out... but am I being selfish in all this? Will she even be coherant enough to know I'm even there if I leave early? All these questions! She was so worried about me coming here. What would she want me to do? Where is her heart with you God? She was so scared going into this surgery. My heart aches right now. I went out to the tent to talk to Sammy. He prayed over me and the situation. I know I must trust God and acknowledge Him in this situation. There is a reason this happened now. I know God works for the good of those who love him. I'm leaning on God, especially because I'm not sure if I'll get the support needed from my team here. I have a big decision to make which could affect my life in the near future upon my return home. I have to trust God ocmpletely. As Sammy said, present your worries to God but don't let your worries move you. I can't let the idea of a possible guilt trip from Mom cloud my judgement.
I don't want to leave here early. I already get upset at the idea of leaving. I said goodbye to Grandma at the wedding two days before we left for Africa, but this is far more extreme. She's SUFFERING. She went through a lot. And the thing that hurts the most is that she appeared just fine at the wedding. She could pass away while I'm flying 16 hours alone in the air before I even get there.
I need to put my trust in God. All of it. I know he knew this would happen today while i'm 8,000 miles away from home. When I don't have comfort of those here who are my only piece of home, I know God is there and people back home are praying. I wish I was home right now because I need my friends and siblings. I'm feeling so frustrated right now because the one person who was a good friend before the trip and is my only piece of home is not even talking to me.
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Father, you see all my tears I've cried this morning. I know you are hurting with me. Even though I can't trace your hand in all this, I want to trust your heart. I want to lean on you for comfort. If I can't get a hug from friends, I know I'm seeking refuge in the shadow of your wings. Guide me in the way you want me to go. I don't want to lean on my own understanding but to acknowldge your movement in this so you can direct my paths. I love you Lord. You will be glorified in this.
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Lord I give you my heart, I give you my SoulI live for You alone, Every breath that I take,Every moment I'm awake, Lord have Your way in me
Father, have your way in me! You sent me here not to be sent home early. I trust that you can pull Grandma through this until I get home if it is your will. My ministry here can't end shortly. Lord, work in this situation here and at home. Whatever happens may I still honor, praise, worship, and glorify you. May it still be well with my soul. I trust you. I believe in you. You are my rock. Always here in times of trouble. I must hold on tight to that promise.
(as you can tell, the Psalms were my bedrock during this time)
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7/16 evening
I called Mel tonight and told her I am not coming home early. She jus said that Grandma may not make it until Friday as her kidneys are failing and her blood pressure is beyond low. I called Anchor Room to tell them and Natalie, tried Lisa, and Tammy also.
During the prayer meeting with all my Kenya friends and only one team member there, Sammy mentioned how one of our sisters in Christ had a rough day (after telling me earlier today to not tell anyone about my situation). The whole group prayed and sang for my situation for about an hour, but it only seemed like 10-15 minutes. In the US, so many people would be weirded out and bored about this, but I was totally broken the whole time while hugging Patricia and grasping onto Boblin's hand. This is why I'm dealing with this year. I have the support of these people who hardly know me, but are praying powerful prayers 8,000 miles away from grandma's bedside. These people know what death is like all too well. They know the pain that is felt. They bury their loved ones every day.
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7/17Mel just called again. As I was sitting out here writing, Sammy came out with his phone. My heart skipped beats. It's a little after 7 here meaning after midnight in Ohio, and Mel, Ken, Rachael, and Jeff are all at the hospital. They have taken her off all medications. She is only on the ventilator. The funeral, if she lasts as long as the doctors say, would be Friday or Saturday. Mel said she thinks I would regret not being there, but I can't carry that regret. I immediately told Mel that I would regret leaving here, because even if it were only a few days, God can and will do amazing things in those days. He sent me here KNOWING That this would happen, so I must TRUST in his love and comfort. I woke up super early this morning not able to get to sleep so I went out in the living area and prayed for Grandma. no I know why. They were probably wondering calling me. I really need team time. Prayer with them.
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When peace like a river Attendeth my way, when Sorrows like sea bellows roll Whatever my lot though has taught me to say, Praise the Lord, It is Well with my SoulI'm getting this BAD feeling right now. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm a big homesick right now. I just want to be with the sibs. I asked the team to come together to pray this morning, but it got awkward for some reason. Sammy requested again that I do not mention anything to anyone about what is going on at home. Hot sure why, because whoever was at the prayer meeting last night knows about it. I'm grasping onto these pictures of friends and verses that the girls gave me before I left. It's my only connection to home right now. God has me where He wants me for a reason, and I hope to find what that is. I came in to pray tonight about everything but it was so weird. I started praying then completely forgot what to pray about. Then I even tried sitting up so my mind wasn't wandering like it usually does when I pray but I couldn't put a prayer into words. It was like God saying "Child, I love you, Trust me. It's in my hands."
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7/18 WednesdayRight now we are doing nothing and I hate it. I feel bad. I am not going home early so I feel like I should be out there making a difference, but I'm so exhausted, kind of letting my frustrations show too much. I need rest. I have a peace about Grandma although when Sammy's phone rings my heart speeds up. I only cried once about it today. Patricia sat down and started rubbing my back and that did it. Just needed support.
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7/19 ThursdayIt has been two days since Mel called while she was at the hospital. I thought for sure she would call by now. God are you answering my prayers, that I would make it home in time? I prayed for clarity to know I was making the right decision in not going home, then a verse that I had in my head earlier this month came to mind. I don't think it was a mistake I read this earlier too. (Luke 9:59-62) Is that clarity enough? I trust God. This will work out the way He had planned from the beginning.
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Grandma passed away last night, Wednesday, at 8:30p.m. (3:30am this morning) Mel called tonight at 8:30 here. We were laughing in the tent with Sammy and Charity when Sammy's phone rang. I knew right away when he acted like he couldn't hear, then it clicked why Sammy was trying extra hard to make me laugh while eating a complete Tilapia head. He handed the phone out to me and I just laid back my head and started shaking. I didn't want to be out there. Matt, Whitney, Charity were all out there. I couldn't hear Mel very well, only that she passed away and the time she did. It must have been so scary for her. I lost connection with Mel and had to sit out in the tent since they wouldn't let me leave for 15 minutes until she called back. Meanwhile I'm sobbing in Charity's embrace, sitting there and crying and everyone still in the tent. Sammy wouldn't let anyone leave. All the YCT people were outside having a good time with no clue about what was happening. Whitney and Jess came over to rub my back. I never felt so embarrassed yet not caring really. I'm at my lowest piont unable to think, stand. Team members just apologizing for my loss. On the phone in the corner of the tent with everyone looking at me, now getting more information as Mel called again. Grandma was taken off the ventilator on Tuesday afternoon at 1:00. This would have been 8:00 Tuesday night, right about the time I came in to pray and not know what to pray about, feeling that peace from God. She lasted until Wednesday at 8:30. Mel said each of them were able to say goodbye. She was alert enough to hear them. She would smile and nod as they thanked her for having us over in the summers. They said goodbye for me too. Tehy said I wanted to be there but am doing good work here. That i LOVED HER. Mel said she smiled and tears came down her face as she said goodbye. :(What si going to happen now? To the home. I want to be there. See it again. Help go through stuff. Be with my family. Did I make the right decision? I want these doubts taken away! Mom is being well, herself about this. She originally said I shouldn't come home and now she's asking Mel why I wouldn't come home. I don't get it. I don't get the timing in all this. Why couldn't get have waited for hte surgery? And why, God, did she hold out all month only to pass away 6 days before I get back home? I'm missing the funeral. Where will my closure be? All these questions Lord. Fill my heart with an understanding and peace. Teach me amazing things from this. My heart aches. The plane ride will be miserable. Just the waiting. I need STRENGTH. I want to be around friends, family. I don't think its completely hit me yet because I'm here. I keep Deut. 31:8 in my mind, and can't get the song "It is well with my soul" out of my head.
---------------------------------------I'm so week right now. But I love the hearts of the YCT people. I love their genuine love and care. At the YCT meeting I saw this with how Boblin reached over and took a firm hold of my arm to keep me from falling. When Whitney left my side, Patrick soon came up to support me and keep me from falling too. I will miss these guys! I told Charity through the YCT members, their home was the next best place here on earth next to home that I could have been to grieve Grandma's passing.. These people are real.
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7/20 Friday
It has to be about midnight. I've been sitting outside listening to some worship music over the slum. I love this stuff. They worship with all their hearts. Mel called tonight and said I can write a letter for them to read at the funeral, so that's what I came out here to do. If its almost midnight here, that means her viewing is happening right now, and I'll miss the funeral by only 3 days. I pray there is no tension and that everything goes smoothly. Maybe this is why I'm not there for this, because I know there is going to be a great deal of tension at this funeral with my family. Now I must write this letter and email it out before 10:00am tomorrow. God give me strength. Give me words to say that may also reach the hearts of my family members. Keep me strong. My strength comes from you.
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7/21...Grandma's funeral was today, during the exact time we gathered in the slum for a Bible study. They prayed for me tonight to close the study. I shared Psalm 18 with the group as they asked for us to share how God has revealed himself through a tough situation this past week. I know Tosh requested this format for me, as they normally don't do this format. Frank was sitting by me and pointed out Psalm 121. He then shared it and read it out loud. It's an awesome Psalm and perfect to hear.
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7/23
Tonight, our last night here, and I was able to experience something that was AMAZING. Saida and Jackie's [the sisters i've been praying with throughout the month] kids were waiting for me as we walked out of the YCT building in the slum. It was already dark, and we normally try to leave before dark for safety reasons. The kids requested that I come down to their home, because their mom's wanted to say goodbye. So I went. I walked in under candlelight, and there, for the first time all month, I met Jackie's husband. This guy who has been sleeping around on her, beating her, and anything and everything else. This guy who I've prayed with Jackie and Saida about all month. Here he was. I was able to come together with the family and pray, circled together, conencted hands, with him there. He asked for prayer. I felt God there! I was changed. I pray for this guy that he truly LOVES his family. What an incredible way to end this trip. Maybe this is why I stayed instead of going home early? I then went to meet their step-mom who immediately wished me safe travels and apologized for the passing of Grandma. I was touched. I can never forget this evening.
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7/25
I'm home. Well, at Mel's. I need to nap, but first I decided to look at the funeral stuff Mel gave me. The bulletin had several verses on it. One being Psalm 27:4-7 and 13-14. Verses 7-8 are verses that were in my head the whole trip!!! AND... Psalm 121 was read at her funeral. Look back to 7/21 from the Bible study in Kenya when Frank read that. I know that Bible Study was exactly the same time as Grandma's funeral. Wow.... amazing.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
my wish
Random thing happened today... (from May 11th)
This morning I woke up realizing it was Mothers Day and getting a little bummed. The usual days that families usually get together and do things to celebrate each other and what it all means to them. A Sunday to go to church and come home to sit around and watch movies (which isn't a bad thing) while a lot of other people are with their families.
While getting ready this morning, I thought about November 9, 2005 when I drove up to Michigan to meet my nephew for the first time. I wasn't sure why I thought about this... I honestly don't too much. On the way up I popped in my Rascal Flatts CD that I just bought that week. The song "My Wish" came on and I just let the words sink in. I never met this little boy yet but as a new aunt, the words in the song meant a lot.
The ride home that next day after meeting Joshua, I put that song on and listened to it a good 3-4 times on the way home and cried as I sang it outloud (yep, just admitted that). I thought about the joy I felt in holding that little baby and how much I wish for him to dream big and to live out his dreams. This morning that memory came back to me, and I thought about the feelings I felt holding Josh, and was amazed to think how that joy will multiply so much more when I actually hold my son or my daughter for the first time. I can't imagine what the feeling will be like and someday I hope to feel it. Then, since it it Mother's Day, of course I thought about my mom and wondered if she ever felt that way with us, and if she thinks that way about us now. And after she hung up on me today when I called her, it makes me wonder even more...
An hour later at church, the worship band sang that song to honor mothers. Of all the songs that could have been chosen to sing at church they choose a Rascal Flatts song from 2 years ago. Kinda crazy. I was pretty good at holding back the tears first service, but second service when I could sit by myself it was a little bit harder. (I go to both services now because something I do at church)
how ironic and random is that?
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